[ i'll always protect you ]

Sunday, February 26, 2006

[[tears]]

How you find your Bday party? I regret that I wasn't there in the middle of it... Went to my classmates's party.. I was alone at your party.. Feel very out of place.. But don't think that you would have noticed or even felt my absence. You had your friends, bf there...

I went early to give you the guestbook. But you were busy... You didn't look at my present... I pleaded you to look at it first... I reminded you that you said before, you wanted a guestbook to keep you Bday photos.. I made one for you!
But you told me, you had one already...

Actually I didn't really spent much time doing your guestbook. And it was a last minute job... Didn't really have much idea how to do it also. But I really did it with all my heart. I put my heart into it.. Knowing that you wanted something like this... I wanted to surprise you, yet in the end, I was the one getting surprised. I wanted to subtly write this blog's address in one of the pics, so that you may somehow discover it... But I decided against it in the end as it would be too obvious in any of the pics...

I missed your cake cutting... What did he give you? Perhaps it's a blessing that I didn't know. What's there for me to know... All I need to know is that I put in my heart soul into doing yours... After the party ended, I didn't even see him helping to clear or what... When you took photos together, you 2 don't even see close to each other... You don't even look like a couple.... Not that I want to mock you... But how is he better than me?

Later in the night when I returned to your ending party. After everyone left, and you finally spoke to me. I managed to get you to take a closer look at the guestbook. Your face changed and you went silent when you opened it and saw the pages inside... Were you surprised? Were you happy silently? I think you were... But I wonder if I was wrong...

You are amazing. You could mix with my friends so well... You could fit in so well into any part of my life... I can never be like you. I had to leave the party quietly because I couldn't find my place there. That's proof enough... I want to be like what you are to me... I want to be part of you life too.. I don't ask that I be in your heart. I know that is not possible... But can I at least make a difference in your life? I thought I used to.... You really left a mark in my life... You made me want to do everything for you... I don't mind standing in the shadows... When I see you happy, that smile on your face, all that is enough. Do you know what you are to me?

I don't think you do... because stupid me didn't tell you... Stellar, I still want to care for you... do things for you... make sure everything is ok for you... That is what I had always been doing right? If there is ever a day that I am going away. I hope that you will tell me that you know what I did for you, and that I cared for you and that you know that I am always there for you. You don't need to do anything in return for me. By telling me that you kn0w, you would have done everything.

Thank you for making my life meaningful.