Saturday, August 19, 2006
[[death]]
i knew from the start there wasn't going to be an ending to this... still I never asked for anything in return.. but its ok..
perhaps even shinn couldn't have lasted this long....
i promise @
2:21 AM.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
[[change]]
Msg and asked if we could chat.. you said,"You wan you call me lah"
So happy!
I remember last time, you used to reply like that too.. always want to receive the calls instead of making them...
I just went out with you yesterday... though you wore a funny dress, I enjoyed the time spent with you.. Watched Lake House again with you... It was a nice show... I just had to watch it with you... When I watched it a second time, I noticed some similarities.. Though the 2 characters are never physically together, the guy, Alex could feel that the ger was always with him.. The ger told him that if there's anything she could do for him, she would have wanted to be there for him.. That was how you made me feel last time... You made me feel complete.. You made me feel that I have everything in the world, even though I had nothing... You make me want to give up everything just to be with you... That's you..
Due to the lapse in time, the guy had to wait 2 years just to see the ger.. I was thinking, we knew each other for 2 over years le... I had the urge to tell you how I feel... Nah.. it didn't happen..
Just now, when I was talking with you over the phone.. actually, I realised that you were somewhat different... Last time, you were this little ger, who needs to be protected. Now, you don't seem like you needed to be protected anymore... Though there are some things you said that was exactly the same as I heard it 2 years before.. I mentioned things, brought them up to remind you that I never forget the way you were.. Don't know what I did that for anyway...
As hard as I try to deny it... You seem different
I'm scared...
i promise @
3:56 AM.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
[[Stellar remembers again]]
this blog has been quiet for so long... because we have lost contact for an equally long period of time...
That night.. Didn't expect you would agree to come along for the supper.. I was very happy.. I could see you again after so long! Maybe it was my prayers the nights before that my dream came true.. I don't know... they weren't really prayers.. I just keep reminding myself about you...
No matter how lousy I am, how helpless I am... u would tell me that everythings alright.. you tell me that I can do it...No matter how miserable I feel... you can always make me feel that I am the greatest in the world...These are just some of the things I remind myself every night.. I miss you.. I miss those times.. Sometimes, you turn back.. You remember me.. Though these times are shortlived, I don't mind.. I'm happy enough that there are such times.. I'm thankful that I have these little times to look back on...
You are so great! You can mix with my friends well.. You are never out of place.. I went to pick you up that night.. I was so happy.. It brings me so much joy to be able to go to you... in my Gundam(my family car).. To wait for you below your flat.. and being able to drive you back home after that.. It was a short, but happy night.. We talked in the car.. We asked about each other... how each other was doing.. I asked how's things between you and your ah boy.. You replied, "like that lor." I don't know what's that...
I was driving.. I couldn't look at you.. Only occasionally, I turned to look at you.. Though I'm not looking at you often... I can feel that you are there.. like back then, when we used to tell each other everything on the phone.. I could feel as though you are right here beside me.. I should have went to you back then.. Should have told you how much you meant to me, when you told me of your breakup... I don't know what the fuck was I thinking.. Why didn't I??
Now things are ok again.. You reply my msgs.. You agreed to go out again after my camp.. I hope there will be this chance..
It's coming to a year now, since that time when I told you over the phone, " Don't worry..I will take care of you one... I will protect you one.." That was the closest thing I said to how much I love you.. It seemed like it was only yesterday... I still remember the time when I was staying at my uncle's house during my Intelligence course and I gave you those lucky stars.. The happiest day of my life... Soon, I'll be going to Boon Lay to stay again.. I don't know what lies ahead... But I will cherish every single memory you have given me... Though I don't really think that anything will come out of this.. but i still hope that one day, you will finally understand what you mean to me...
i promise @
4:07 PM.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
[[Looking back]]
so long never blog le..
hmm...
this is from my other "face"
I miss you. Whenever I talked to you about my problems, you just listen to me. Even though you never do anything, nor advice anything. I feel better after talking to you.. After I finish talking, you would also voice out your own problems. I feel so comfortable sharing each other's problems. Though you never do anything for me, I wanted to do anything in my power for you. I'm always blur. Even in my Branch, I always cock things up. I can't clear the shit in my own family. However, you always made me feel that I knew everything, that I could do anything. Anything and everything I did for you, no matter how small, how silly, I always see you happy, so thankful, so appreciative. I never grew tired out of caring for you even when I never got anything in return. I never asked for anything also. Seeing you smile, you have already done everything.
I regret my bad judgement. Fuck my stupidity. I didn't want to be a bastard, that's why I didn't go to you...and now I live to regret my mistake. I knew what I wanted, but perhaps, I thought too much for people. People who never really thought for me. I have to live with this fatal error. It was so swift.. Back then, the Branch was shorthanded. I was fulfilling my duty as the Int Spec, on top of other matters. However, I never forgot about you. I still cared for you. Yet, even before I knew what was going on, you left. Oblivious to what happened, I told you even, " Don't worry, I will protect you one."
The one thing that gave me meaning just slipped away from me for good.
17'Feb & 28'Feb The Greatest Story
http://freedometeor.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_freedometeor_archive.html
i promise @
12:27 AM.
Friday, May 05, 2006
[[Finally]]
After so long, you seemed to have remembered me..
This blog has been so quiet for so long... Cos We have lost contact for that long... I didn't dared contact you after the blog-lashing incident. Even when I msg u, you never reply.
However, you sounded like your usual self when I msg you last week, saying I wanted to bring you my cake after my party... I just hooped that you could spare some time for me.. No need to sing Bday song or give me present. Just want to spend my Bday with you... Giving u my cake, watching you eat the cake, I'll be happy le. Because, somehow I know that, you will look happy. It's a special day for me. I jsut want to spend it with you. No matter how short, I don't mind. You thought that I was joking... Nope, I asked to rent the Nissan March to drive to you, but it was not available. Then that night, I was a little tipsy.. so it wasnt safe to drive, and by the time everything was over.. it was to late..
I called you on Mon. Asked how were you, and stuff. It's the first phone call we had in a couple of months. You talked in that same happy, cheerful tone of yours, as though nothing had happened. You told about your ah ma and stuff.. I was happy. It's been too long since you told me things in you life. I asked to meet you the next day for dinner and to pass you the cake.. Initially you said no need. I insisted.. I just want to see you again after so long! Finally, you agreed.
Pa let me use his car that night... Didn't know where to dine. I was thinking Fishermen's village or Chijmes.. These 2 places are nice.. I recee the route first, then drove to your place. However, you didn't want to go far.. You suggested J8.. it's ok... I was happy enought that you agreed to see me...
We dined at Cartel. You didn't want to talke photos at the photo shop. Yousaid you wanted to go back early.. I was sad, butyou suggested using my camera...
So, we took some pictures in my car... The night was short and simple. But I was really happy. After so long, it seemed that you finally rmbr me again... I felt so happy.. It's enough for me.. I'm not asking that we be together or what, even though I want to... But I am contented now that I can see you again. Can I care for you again like last time?
You were so pretty that night... I love our pics... But I can't show it to anyone... Same goes to my unfulfilled feelings which can never be revealed...
I wonder when will you forget about me again... Pls don't k? I don't expect anything back from you. Just let me care for you again like last time. Don't forget about me... And I will be contented already...
i promise @
4:00 AM.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
[[My reply]]
Give what up? I have never expected anything out of this... I did not ask for anything in return... so what is there to give up?
1. Did I drive any wedge between them? Everytime she says he didn't do something, I never bad mouth him what so ever..
2. Ya so? You are comparing 2 different things... There is no basis for comparision. If I am the one that is doing better things, that something is very wrong.
3. Did I ask her to love me?
4. Obiviously. So? Nothing to compare here.
5. Ya.. I understand our relationship, ie. friendship. I didn't mistake her actions to be out of love...
6. Then again, what's the basis for comparision here? Who loves her more?
7. Ya.. So?
8. Ya.. true...
9. Ya.. then?
10. Ya...they ought to, don't they?
You ask me, if our characters match? So you are telling me, you know me enough to judge me?
You say I have the wrong purpose in life.. Can you even re-iterate my purpose to me? Do you even understand what I see in this? Who are you to judge, when it doesn't even conflicts against morals...
Ya.. everyone knows she is attached..
So, is what I am doing a wrong?
Can you even tell me what I am doing?
I just want to care for her... I have never asked for her to reciprocate anything... You don't understand it, do you... It doesn't mean that you only do something just because you see a positive outcome, something in your favour... Sometimes, the process of doing is the most meaningful. That's it. I like her. I want her to be happy. I just feel like doing things for her... Is that immoral? If I am hurting her by caring for her, just tell me.. If she can't even face me to say all this.. Then you expect me to listen to all your bullshit?
When I say Bullshit, I don't mean nonsense.. Different people have different views... I understand that.. but seems like you only see things in your own perspective... I say bullshit, because, as you can see from my reply, most of the points you brought up can't be compared.. The objects in comparision are 2 distiinct and different objects.
I am not starting a comparision of who cares for her more... I do all that I did for her, because of the feelings I have for her...
Don't fucking talk like I am doing an immoral deed, something that is utterly wrong. In the first place, you already got me all wrong... There is nothing I desire out of this, so there is never anything GIVE UP ON... If you really want to help... Let the 2 of us sort this out face to face... Don't play God
i promise @
10:08 PM.
Monday, February 27, 2006
[[My 2 faces]]
I was browsing through some photos I had in my com... Stumbled upon these 2 which startled me... My life is really depicted in the story of Gundam SEED and Destiny...
Kira(My gentle side) ~ To protect the ones he love, he will fight.{Text: 4 leaf clover}I gave you a four leaf clover for good luck, remember?
Shinn(My dark side) ~ To protect the one he loves, he will kill.{Text: A present for you}The guestbook I made for you, remember? My present for you.. I always try to be there for you... Try to give things to you... Things that you want or things that you need... In the past I could do more, because we always talk to each other on the phone.. We always tell each other everything. You always tell me everything... Your joy... Your sorrow... When you got your results, and he didn't want to listen to you. You msg me, and called me.... I knew you cried... I told you that maybe he was just busy in camp, even though I very much wanted to tell you that he didn't really cared for you enough... I was so happy that you turned to me... It was never too much trouble to be there for you... When you told me that you wanted to try those driving games.. I immediately asked you out,, cos I wanted to bring you to play them... It's not that I always bring up the same old things... But this are all the memories I have... No matter how little.. I cherish them... And it's also because they are not many, that I cherish them even more... Caring for you is the one thing I can do without the need to think or plan beforehand. It just comes so naturally to me.... Whenever you want anything or need anything I just want to be there for you... I find my place behind you.... in your shadow.. It's a far cry from the place you found beside me and in my heart...I think this is the first time that tears trinkle out of my eyes without me knowing while I'm thinking about you... I am very scared.. I am very sad... That you are distanting away from me... There is a career fair this wkend... Remember 2 years back when we got our results? I accompanied you a similar one? It was the same day as the day we got our A level results.. You didn't do well... I wanted to be there to comfort you... You said you wanted to go take a look at the fair.. I offered to acccompany you... You agreed.I walked beside you, sometimes behind you. Appearing beside you only when you had doubts or needed explanation and advice. I just realised that this is what I have been doing all along... Appearing swiftly and surely whenever you are in need. I found my place behind you.. After the fair, we had dinner together at the food court.. It was a simple day, yet unforgettable. As time goes by, I began to discover my purpose...However, I know you would'nt accompany me to the fair.. It's ok.. :) I have never asked for anything from you... I just want to see you happy... Can you just be made known to this blog... Can you just remember everything? Don't forget about me please. I would have lost everything then...I still remember the way you call me, "Ben...", when you are sad and you want to tell me what happened...Or when you try to coax me into telling you what happened to me when I didn't want to say at first...Or when you just call out to me...."what happened?""say la...""i tell you everything..there are no secrets between us...""next time got anything, you can always calll me..."Guess I was the one who broke the promise of having no secrets between us... this is my punishment...
i promise @
11:17 PM.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
[[death]]
i knew from the start there wasn't going to be an ending to this... still I never asked for anything in return.. but its ok..
perhaps even shinn couldn't have lasted this long....
i promise @
2:21 AM.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
[[change]]
Msg and asked if we could chat.. you said,"You wan you call me lah"
So happy!
I remember last time, you used to reply like that too.. always want to receive the calls instead of making them...
I just went out with you yesterday... though you wore a funny dress, I enjoyed the time spent with you.. Watched Lake House again with you... It was a nice show... I just had to watch it with you... When I watched it a second time, I noticed some similarities.. Though the 2 characters are never physically together, the guy, Alex could feel that the ger was always with him.. The ger told him that if there's anything she could do for him, she would have wanted to be there for him.. That was how you made me feel last time... You made me feel complete.. You made me feel that I have everything in the world, even though I had nothing... You make me want to give up everything just to be with you... That's you..
Due to the lapse in time, the guy had to wait 2 years just to see the ger.. I was thinking, we knew each other for 2 over years le... I had the urge to tell you how I feel... Nah.. it didn't happen..
Just now, when I was talking with you over the phone.. actually, I realised that you were somewhat different... Last time, you were this little ger, who needs to be protected. Now, you don't seem like you needed to be protected anymore... Though there are some things you said that was exactly the same as I heard it 2 years before.. I mentioned things, brought them up to remind you that I never forget the way you were.. Don't know what I did that for anyway...
As hard as I try to deny it... You seem different
I'm scared...
i promise @
3:56 AM.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
[[Stellar remembers again]]
this blog has been quiet for so long... because we have lost contact for an equally long period of time...
That night.. Didn't expect you would agree to come along for the supper.. I was very happy.. I could see you again after so long! Maybe it was my prayers the nights before that my dream came true.. I don't know... they weren't really prayers.. I just keep reminding myself about you...
No matter how lousy I am, how helpless I am... u would tell me that everythings alright.. you tell me that I can do it...No matter how miserable I feel... you can always make me feel that I am the greatest in the world...These are just some of the things I remind myself every night.. I miss you.. I miss those times.. Sometimes, you turn back.. You remember me.. Though these times are shortlived, I don't mind.. I'm happy enough that there are such times.. I'm thankful that I have these little times to look back on...
You are so great! You can mix with my friends well.. You are never out of place.. I went to pick you up that night.. I was so happy.. It brings me so much joy to be able to go to you... in my Gundam(my family car).. To wait for you below your flat.. and being able to drive you back home after that.. It was a short, but happy night.. We talked in the car.. We asked about each other... how each other was doing.. I asked how's things between you and your ah boy.. You replied, "like that lor." I don't know what's that...
I was driving.. I couldn't look at you.. Only occasionally, I turned to look at you.. Though I'm not looking at you often... I can feel that you are there.. like back then, when we used to tell each other everything on the phone.. I could feel as though you are right here beside me.. I should have went to you back then.. Should have told you how much you meant to me, when you told me of your breakup... I don't know what the fuck was I thinking.. Why didn't I??
Now things are ok again.. You reply my msgs.. You agreed to go out again after my camp.. I hope there will be this chance..
It's coming to a year now, since that time when I told you over the phone, " Don't worry..I will take care of you one... I will protect you one.." That was the closest thing I said to how much I love you.. It seemed like it was only yesterday... I still remember the time when I was staying at my uncle's house during my Intelligence course and I gave you those lucky stars.. The happiest day of my life... Soon, I'll be going to Boon Lay to stay again.. I don't know what lies ahead... But I will cherish every single memory you have given me... Though I don't really think that anything will come out of this.. but i still hope that one day, you will finally understand what you mean to me...
i promise @
4:07 PM.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
[[Looking back]]
so long never blog le..
hmm...
this is from my other "face"
I miss you. Whenever I talked to you about my problems, you just listen to me. Even though you never do anything, nor advice anything. I feel better after talking to you.. After I finish talking, you would also voice out your own problems. I feel so comfortable sharing each other's problems. Though you never do anything for me, I wanted to do anything in my power for you. I'm always blur. Even in my Branch, I always cock things up. I can't clear the shit in my own family. However, you always made me feel that I knew everything, that I could do anything. Anything and everything I did for you, no matter how small, how silly, I always see you happy, so thankful, so appreciative. I never grew tired out of caring for you even when I never got anything in return. I never asked for anything also. Seeing you smile, you have already done everything.
I regret my bad judgement. Fuck my stupidity. I didn't want to be a bastard, that's why I didn't go to you...and now I live to regret my mistake. I knew what I wanted, but perhaps, I thought too much for people. People who never really thought for me. I have to live with this fatal error. It was so swift.. Back then, the Branch was shorthanded. I was fulfilling my duty as the Int Spec, on top of other matters. However, I never forgot about you. I still cared for you. Yet, even before I knew what was going on, you left. Oblivious to what happened, I told you even, " Don't worry, I will protect you one."
The one thing that gave me meaning just slipped away from me for good.
17'Feb & 28'Feb The Greatest Story
http://freedometeor.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_freedometeor_archive.html
i promise @
12:27 AM.
Friday, May 05, 2006
[[Finally]]
After so long, you seemed to have remembered me..
This blog has been so quiet for so long... Cos We have lost contact for that long... I didn't dared contact you after the blog-lashing incident. Even when I msg u, you never reply.
However, you sounded like your usual self when I msg you last week, saying I wanted to bring you my cake after my party... I just hooped that you could spare some time for me.. No need to sing Bday song or give me present. Just want to spend my Bday with you... Giving u my cake, watching you eat the cake, I'll be happy le. Because, somehow I know that, you will look happy. It's a special day for me. I jsut want to spend it with you. No matter how short, I don't mind. You thought that I was joking... Nope, I asked to rent the Nissan March to drive to you, but it was not available. Then that night, I was a little tipsy.. so it wasnt safe to drive, and by the time everything was over.. it was to late..
I called you on Mon. Asked how were you, and stuff. It's the first phone call we had in a couple of months. You talked in that same happy, cheerful tone of yours, as though nothing had happened. You told about your ah ma and stuff.. I was happy. It's been too long since you told me things in you life. I asked to meet you the next day for dinner and to pass you the cake.. Initially you said no need. I insisted.. I just want to see you again after so long! Finally, you agreed.
Pa let me use his car that night... Didn't know where to dine. I was thinking Fishermen's village or Chijmes.. These 2 places are nice.. I recee the route first, then drove to your place. However, you didn't want to go far.. You suggested J8.. it's ok... I was happy enought that you agreed to see me...
We dined at Cartel. You didn't want to talke photos at the photo shop. Yousaid you wanted to go back early.. I was sad, butyou suggested using my camera...
So, we took some pictures in my car... The night was short and simple. But I was really happy. After so long, it seemed that you finally rmbr me again... I felt so happy.. It's enough for me.. I'm not asking that we be together or what, even though I want to... But I am contented now that I can see you again. Can I care for you again like last time?
You were so pretty that night... I love our pics... But I can't show it to anyone... Same goes to my unfulfilled feelings which can never be revealed...
I wonder when will you forget about me again... Pls don't k? I don't expect anything back from you. Just let me care for you again like last time. Don't forget about me... And I will be contented already...
i promise @
4:00 AM.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
[[My reply]]
Give what up? I have never expected anything out of this... I did not ask for anything in return... so what is there to give up?
1. Did I drive any wedge between them? Everytime she says he didn't do something, I never bad mouth him what so ever..
2. Ya so? You are comparing 2 different things... There is no basis for comparision. If I am the one that is doing better things, that something is very wrong.
3. Did I ask her to love me?
4. Obiviously. So? Nothing to compare here.
5. Ya.. I understand our relationship, ie. friendship. I didn't mistake her actions to be out of love...
6. Then again, what's the basis for comparision here? Who loves her more?
7. Ya.. So?
8. Ya.. true...
9. Ya.. then?
10. Ya...they ought to, don't they?
You ask me, if our characters match? So you are telling me, you know me enough to judge me?
You say I have the wrong purpose in life.. Can you even re-iterate my purpose to me? Do you even understand what I see in this? Who are you to judge, when it doesn't even conflicts against morals...
Ya.. everyone knows she is attached..
So, is what I am doing a wrong?
Can you even tell me what I am doing?
I just want to care for her... I have never asked for her to reciprocate anything... You don't understand it, do you... It doesn't mean that you only do something just because you see a positive outcome, something in your favour... Sometimes, the process of doing is the most meaningful. That's it. I like her. I want her to be happy. I just feel like doing things for her... Is that immoral? If I am hurting her by caring for her, just tell me.. If she can't even face me to say all this.. Then you expect me to listen to all your bullshit?
When I say Bullshit, I don't mean nonsense.. Different people have different views... I understand that.. but seems like you only see things in your own perspective... I say bullshit, because, as you can see from my reply, most of the points you brought up can't be compared.. The objects in comparision are 2 distiinct and different objects.
I am not starting a comparision of who cares for her more... I do all that I did for her, because of the feelings I have for her...
Don't fucking talk like I am doing an immoral deed, something that is utterly wrong. In the first place, you already got me all wrong... There is nothing I desire out of this, so there is never anything GIVE UP ON... If you really want to help... Let the 2 of us sort this out face to face... Don't play God
i promise @
10:08 PM.
Monday, February 27, 2006
[[My 2 faces]]
I was browsing through some photos I had in my com... Stumbled upon these 2 which startled me... My life is really depicted in the story of Gundam SEED and Destiny...
Kira(My gentle side) ~ To protect the ones he love, he will fight.{Text: 4 leaf clover}I gave you a four leaf clover for good luck, remember?Shinn(My dark side) ~ To protect the one he loves, he will kill.{Text: A present for you}The guestbook I made for you, remember? My present for you.. I always try to be there for you... Try to give things to you... Things that you want or things that you need... In the past I could do more, because we always talk to each other on the phone.. We always tell each other everything. You always tell me everything... Your joy... Your sorrow... When you got your results, and he didn't want to listen to you. You msg me, and called me.... I knew you cried... I told you that maybe he was just busy in camp, even though I very much wanted to tell you that he didn't really cared for you enough... I was so happy that you turned to me... It was never too much trouble to be there for you... When you told me that you wanted to try those driving games.. I immediately asked you out,, cos I wanted to bring you to play them... It's not that I always bring up the same old things... But this are all the memories I have... No matter how little.. I cherish them... And it's also because they are not many, that I cherish them even more... Caring for you is the one thing I can do without the need to think or plan beforehand. It just comes so naturally to me.... Whenever you want anything or need anything I just want to be there for you... I find my place behind you.... in your shadow.. It's a far cry from the place you found beside me and in my heart...I think this is the first time that tears trinkle out of my eyes without me knowing while I'm thinking about you... I am very scared.. I am very sad... That you are distanting away from me... There is a career fair this wkend... Remember 2 years back when we got our results? I accompanied you a similar one? It was the same day as the day we got our A level results.. You didn't do well... I wanted to be there to comfort you... You said you wanted to go take a look at the fair.. I offered to acccompany you... You agreed.I walked beside you, sometimes behind you. Appearing beside you only when you had doubts or needed explanation and advice. I just realised that this is what I have been doing all along... Appearing swiftly and surely whenever you are in need. I found my place behind you.. After the fair, we had dinner together at the food court.. It was a simple day, yet unforgettable. As time goes by, I began to discover my purpose...However, I know you would'nt accompany me to the fair.. It's ok.. :) I have never asked for anything from you... I just want to see you happy... Can you just be made known to this blog... Can you just remember everything? Don't forget about me please. I would have lost everything then...I still remember the way you call me, "Ben...", when you are sad and you want to tell me what happened...Or when you try to coax me into telling you what happened to me when I didn't want to say at first...Or when you just call out to me...."what happened?""say la...""i tell you everything..there are no secrets between us...""next time got anything, you can always calll me..."Guess I was the one who broke the promise of having no secrets between us... this is my punishment...
i promise @
11:17 PM.